I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize