I hate your face
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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