Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
