I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
