found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize