god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
