they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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