I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize