True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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