I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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