McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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