Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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