Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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