I must be too annoying 4 u.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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