You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
