if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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