My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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