Ambien. No doubt about it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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