Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
