On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
