First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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