Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
