thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
