I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
