mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
