my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
