Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
