I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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