just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
