I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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