I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize