i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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