I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We need a shit load of segways right now
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
