the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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