There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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