I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize