Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
