The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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