I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
