If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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