i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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