my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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