I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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