I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
