I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
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