im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
