Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize