ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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