I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
