Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
