Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
