I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
