I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
third nipple confirmed
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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