My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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