So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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