i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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