im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
