my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
