I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
