was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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