im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
