her vagine was all disorganized.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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