thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
