I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
